Ah, the dreaded self-sabotage! A curious and, in a way, universal phenomenon - where we ourselves, with all our supposed genius, become our own worst enemies. Whether it's fear of success, insecurity or simply an almost perverse desire to prove that we're not capable, we end up undermining our own opportunities. In a world where the quest for personal development and self-knowledge should be at the centre of discussions, understanding and confronting self-sabotage becomes not just a task, but a real art.
But don't worry, you're not alone in this endeavour! Let's start by really understanding what it is.
What is self-sabotage?
In simple terms - self-sabotage is when you, armed with all your ability, decide to close the door in your own face. It's the phenomenon whereby attitudes, thoughts and behaviours end up blocking success or happiness, even when conditions are favourable.
Let's take an example: Imagine yourself as a genius architect, designing the most impressive skyscraper in the world. You spend sleepless nights calculating every detail, choosing the best materials. And then, on the day of the inauguration, you secretly replace the foundations with marschmallows. Why is that? Because you're a master of self-sabotage, of course!
The curious thing is that this dynamic can be repeated in various areas of life: relationships, career, mental health and even personal projects. The philosopher Sartre would explain that ‘We are condemned to be free.’ And apparently, we use this freedom to condemn ourselves to spectacular failure. It would be almost poetic if it weren't tragic.
Socrates, the ‘Know thyself’ guy, would say that in the case of self-sabotage it would be the denial of this self-knowledge, a silent cry of ‘I don't deserve the best’. This contradiction between potential and action can be seen through various lenses: psychological, philosophical and even existential.
It has many faces - it's like a kind of psychological chameleon that takes on different forms to catch us off guard. Sometimes it disguises itself as procrastination - after all, why do today what we can leave until 45 minutes into the second half, right? Other times, it presents itself as perfectionism - because it's much easier never to start something than to risk doing something imperfectly.
As the writer and philosopher Simone de Beauvoir rightly observed: ‘Man is defined as a being in search of meaning’. And apparently, many of us find meaning in sabotaging our own chances of success. Who needs enemies when we have ourselves, right?
Nietzsche's eccentric wisdom, on the other hand, reminds us that ‘he who has a why can endure almost any how’, suggesting that self-sabotage, in some cases, is the result of a lack of a clear purpose or a well-defined life narrative.
Behind Self-Sabotage
Now let's dive a little deeper into that self-deprecating pit we call the human mind. Psychologists have various theories as to why we engage in this seemingly irrational behaviour.
One line of thought suggests that the act of sabotaging oneself is a protection. It's like that friend who convinces you not to go to a certain party because ‘it's probably going to be boring’, when in fact she's just afraid that you'll meet cooler, more interesting people than her.
Another theory proposes that self-sabotage is a way of maintaining control. After all, if we're going to fail, it's better that it's on our own terms, right? It's like being the captain of a sinking ship - but with the caveat that you can choose which iceberg to hit.
Sigmund Freud already taught us that repressed impulses can surface in unexpected ways - like that habit of procrastinating that loves to turn a simple task into an epic existential drama (and who doesn't like being a ‘drama queen’ from time to time?). As the father of psychoanalysis once said: ‘Most people don't really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are afraid of responsibility’. And what better way to avoid responsibility than to ensure that we never achieve anything significant? Punk , right?
Quoting once again our dear Simone de Beauvoir, she who defied convention and, with insight, highlighted how self-sabotage can be rooted in social structures that mould our self-image. Thus, internal sabotage is not only an individual problem, but also a mirror of the limitations imposed by a society that, ironically, preaches self-knowledge while fuelling collective insecurities (read that again and think about it).
Self-sabotage has deep roots, often fuelled by factors such as low self-esteem, fear of failure and insecurity. Our brains sometimes seem ‘programmed’ to follow patterns of behaviour that guarantee the familiarity of suffering, even if it means giving up on success. And modern society bombards us with unrealistic expectations - a veritable ‘instruction manual’ for a perfect life that, in reality, only fuels anxiety. In this context, self-sabotage becomes our unconscious response to a world that, in a way, invites us to fail gloriously. Ouch!
Self-sabotage in the Real World and the Digital Age
Now let's find out a little more about how this manifests itself in the real world, shall we?
Think of that friend of yours who always complains that she's single, but rejects anyone who shows an interest. Or how about that person (who is definitely not me) who spends hours researching and planning ‘how to be more productive’ instead of, you know, actually doing something productive?
As the philosopher and mathematician Hypatia of Alexandria wisely observed: ‘Reserve your right to think, because even thinking wrongly is better than not thinking at all’.
With the advent of the digital age, the whole thing has risen to new heights. We now have endless ways to distract ourselves and avoid our responsibilities. Who needs to study, meditate, read, study, exercise when you can spend hours scrolling endlessly through social media feeds and then complain about the lack of time? It's almost as if we've evolved from a ‘hunter-gatherer’ species to a ‘procrastinator-sharer’. Our ability to find new ways to waste time and outsource responsibilities is truly impressive. Darwin would surely be proud (or horrified, it's hard to say).
As the philosopher Slavoj Žižek said: ‘The true act of love is to leave the other alone’. Well, it seems that many of us really do love our own potential, because we certainly leave it alone, don't we?
Now the moment everyone has been waiting for...
How to identify and combat self-sabotage?
So how can we break this vicious cycle? Well, the first step is to RECOGNISE that we're doing it. It's like being a smoker - the first step is to admit that you have a problem (from personal experience, I was a smoker for almost 20 years, until I stopped using the excuse: ‘I smoke because I like it’ and actually recognised that I had a problem, and a big one).
But first of all, you should know one thing: it will only really work if you're aligned with the three pillars below. I call it the triad of success, and no, I didn't invent it.
PILLAR No. 1 - Wanting to change (This wanting can't be half-hearted, and certainly not for the sake of others. It's about you choosing to do it only for you and to you!)
PILLAR No. 2 - Take responsibility (Yes, 100 per cent of it, no one will take it on for you. Your life Your responsibility, simple as that!)
PILLAR No. 3 - Persistence (There's no point in doing two days badly and thinking you've done too much. Are you going to give up? The responsibility is entirely yours, so don't use other people's ears as a potty).
Now, here are some tips that have helped me and still help me kick self-sabotage to hell:
Self-observation without judgement: Basically, it's about becoming a detective of ourselves, but without being a ruthless, unpalatable critic. Observe your behaviour patterns, identify moments when doubt or fear hinder your actions and ask yourself: ‘Why am I sabotaging myself now?’. I admit, it's annoying, especially in the early days, and not judging yourself is the biggest problem, but if you stick to the three pillars (mentioned above) you can do it. If I did it, you can do it too, give yourself a chance!
Challenge your limiting beliefs (I wrote an article about this, the link is at the end of this one): We often believe negative internal narratives. Remember the words of Nietzsche: ‘He who has a why can endure almost any how’. Find your ‘why’ and challenge the beliefs that insist on undermining your potential. (PS: If you want to know more about ‘how to find your why’ comment below, if there are enough comments I'll write an article telling you how I found mine).
Set realistic goals and break down your objectives: Do you have a big dream? Turn it into small steps. After all, trying to run a marathon without training is as absurd as deciding to make a revolution without even having mastered the basics of walking. (PS: Don't know how to do this? Go there and post comments, and if you get any engagement I'll write about how I do it).
Seek support: Whether through friends, therapy, down here in the comments or communities that share the same desire for transformation, talking about these issues can be a powerful antidote to self-sabotage.
Accept yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes and be imperfect: If everything was always perfect, what would be interesting? And what would be the point of doing or learning something new if we already knew everything? Imperfection is the spice of existence! Learn to laugh at your mistakes, learn to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a choice! See every ‘failure’ as an opportunity to learn and grow - or at least as material for good stories and acid jokes.
As the psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm once said: ‘Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is’. Perhaps it's time to accept who we are and work from there.
Final reflections
My opinion?
As an observer and participant in this spectacle, I can't help but feel a certain admiration for the creativity with which we sabotage ourselves. It's almost an art form - although we'd prefer not to practise it so often. But while self-sabotage may seem like an insurmountable obstacle, it's also an invitation - a call to rethink our priorities and reframe our fears. By facing our own demons with a wry smile, we pave the way for genuine transformation, where every step, however faltering, is a victory over internal paralysis. In short, our ability to sabotage ourselves is a testament to the complexity of our mind. We are contradictory creatures, capable of great deeds and great failures.
Now how about using your self-sabotage tendency in a productive way? Instead of sabotaging your life goals, how about sabotaging your normal routine by reading more articles on this blog? After all, procrastinating can be productive if you're learning something new, right?
Feel free to leave comments, suggestions for topics, questions... And don't forget to recommend this blog because sharing is caring! And if you really want to take your journey of self-discovery to the next level, don't forget to visit the UN4RT website - it's like a backstage pass to the show of your own mind.
Remember: life is too short to let only others sabotage us. Do it yourself - but with style! See you next time!
‘Illusion crumbles when we question reality’ - UN4RT
Ah, but if you're an intellectual masochist and would like to delve deeper into this topic, the sources, references and inspirations are below. Just don't forget the safe word!
Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialism is humanism.
Socrates, Apology of Socrates (written by Plato)
Simone de Beauvoir,The Second Sex.
Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols.
Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams.
Hypatia of Alexandria, Neoplatonic philosopher and the first woman documented as being a mathematician, there is no specific work in this case, it is a ‘popular quote’ from her.
Slavoj Žižek, Slovenian philosopher to whom the phrase is attributed.
Érich Fromm, The Fear of Freedom.
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