‘Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue’ - François de La Rochefoucauld.
Welcome to the fascinating world of social hypocrisy, where sincerity is as rare as an honest politician! Get ready to dive into the murky waters of false empathy, because today, we're going to explore the noble art practised by those who pretend to care. A skill that many consider as essential in modern society as the ability to smile and nod while putting up with someone's idiotic behaviour.
*It is important to emphasise that this species has individuals of both sexes.
The Great Theatre of the Self-Interested
Let's pretend that we live in a great social theatre, where many play the most diverse roles, but not everyone deserves a trophy for their performance. In this grand theatre, each individual wears a carefully sculpted mask. This mask - or masks - represent roles that don't always correspond to the true essence of the individual wearing them. Some of these individuals are called ‘’Interested‘’.
They are expert actors who, with rehearsed smiles and mellifluous words, navigate social interactions with the dexterity of a conductor conducting a symphony of falsehood. These specimens are considered ‘the meticulous ones’ within the urban jungle, mastering the art of pretending to care, they build relationships based on convenience rather than genuine empathy.
They are true teachers of social theatre, capable of shedding tears with such conviction that even a crocodile would be impressed. Let's just say that they take the art of pretending to care to such a high level that even Stanislavski would be stunned.
If you've ever wondered why some people seem so caring until they get what they want - and then evaporate - this guide will help you identify these actors of social tragicomedy.
A Study of Character
The self-interested person is like a chameleon, adapting to the colours and nuances of the environment to gain personal advantage. Their actions are motivated by meticulous calculation, where every gesture of apparent concern comes from a strategic move on the board of human relations.
This kind of human moulds himself to our needs, mirroring our tastes, values and even emotions in order to win our trust. They may seem like a loyal friend, a reliable partner or even a helpful colleague, but in reality they are closer to an investor: the support they give us has an expected return.
Nietzsche so wisely said: ‘What worries me is not the fact that you lied, but that from now on I will no longer be able to believe you’. The self-interested person doesn't just lie with words, but with attitudes that disguise hidden intentions.
The Dance of Fake Smiles
I've had the displeasure of observing this species in action, and I can tell you that it's like watching an elaborate dance. Each movement is carefully choreographed to create the illusion of genuine interest. The eyes widen in false concern, the eyebrows furrow in feigned consternation and the lips curve into a smile as artificial as diet sugar.
As the philosopher Simone de Beauvoir said, ‘The oppressor would not be so strong if he did not have accomplices among the oppressed themselves.’ And what skilful accomplices the self-interested have! They have expertise in emotional manipulation and are able to make us believe that we are really important in their lives - at least as long as we are useful.
The Mirror of Narcissus
These individuals often resemble Narcissus, a character from Greek mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in the water of a lake. The self-interested person sees in others only reflections of their own ambitions and desires.
Their interactions are like a game of mirrors, where the projected image is carefully manipulated to deceive and seduce.
Using mental triggers, they involve us in narratives that always culminate in some kind of ‘request’ - make no mistake, otherwise they wouldn't be looking for us. And as if that weren't enough, we often find ourselves offering them precisely what they want, without having even listened to the ‘request’.
Let's just say that for them, life is a stage where seriousness is just another mask to be worn at their convenience.
The Siren's Song
Just like the mermaids in Homer's Odyssey, who hypnotised sailors with their songs, love interests use sweet words and empty promises to lure their victims. Their declarations of affection and concern are like bait thrown into the sea, designed to catch those who are looking for reciprocity in an ocean of superficiality. So don't be fooled, their song may be seductive, but it hides an imminent shipwreck.
The Vocabulary of False Interests
They are extraordinary linguists, fluent in the language of simulated concern. They master phrases like ‘Tell me more about that’ and ‘You can always count on me’ as easily as a politician masters the art of not answering direct questions.
Nietzsche, who had already prophesied the uncontrolled proliferation of this breed, said: ‘Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.’ It is precisely because of these illusions that we often become easy prey for this species.
The Daedalus Labyrinth
Interacting with a self-interested person is like travelling through the Daedalus Labyrinth: every path seems to lead to a dead end and the truth is constantly obscured by intricate webs of lies and dissimulation. Around every corner, we come across new illusions and the way out seems ever more distant.
As Franz Kafka said: ‘From a certain point, there is no return. That is the point that must be reached.’ To recognise the self-interested is to reach that point of no return, where naivety is left behind - as is trust.
Classic Signs of an "Interested" Person
Attention on Demand: As long as you're useful, you'll receive messages, compliments and invitations. Afterwards, you'll only hear the echo of silence.
Performative Empathy: Rehearsed facial expressions, self-help phrases and perfect timing to offer ‘help’ - as long as there's something to gain, of course.
The Strategic Compliment: The self-interested person knows exactly when to inflate your ego, not out of admiration, but to ensure that you continue to provide what they want.
Post-Benefit Disappearance: Did you get the favour? Did the vault door open? Has the networking been completed? He disappears like a professional magician - or at least until the next time he needs something.
Convenient Memory: He remembers with surgical precision everything he's ever done for you, but suffers from ‘selective amnesia’ and ‘chronic forgetfulness’ when it's your turn to receive something in return.
Manipulated Urgency: When he needs something, everything is for ‘yesterday’. But when you ask for something, they become masters of the art of postponing, disappearing or giving vague answers.
Flexible Values Alignment: They adapt their tastes, opinions and principles to suit you. As long as you're useful, you'll have ‘everything in common’ and will never differ on anything.
Conditional Connection: His friendship is strong and present when you're in a good phase. If things get tough for you, he becomes a distant spectator.
Theatrical generosity: He makes a point of appearing generous, especially if he has an audience. They appreciate a show. But if there is no recognition or advantage, the ‘kindness’ disappears.
Strategic Victimism: If pressurised for their actions, they play the victim, inverting the situation to appear wronged. It's always the other person's fault, taking responsibility isn't up to them.
Tactical Appearances: They follow the saying ‘He who is not seen is not remembered’ to the letter. They may disappear for days or weeks, but magically reappear when they need something or if they think you can offer them something advantageous - if only to hear them complain.
One-way partnership: They expect us to make an effort, helping them and understanding them, but when the situation is reversed, they always have an excuse ready for not responding.
Oscar Wilde summed it up very well: ‘Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’
How to Survive the Theatre of Hypocrisy?
Be wary of Perfection: If someone always seems to know what to say and when to say it, it could be acting - it's essential to be attentive and aware in our relationships.
Reciprocity Test: Interested parties don't like relationships without advantages. Observe how they react when they have to do something without immediate feedback. Ask them to do something and see what excuses they use not to do it.
Avoid being a ‘Banquet of Favours’: Don't always be available and don't do anything out of obligation. The self-interested take advantage of excessive generosity.
Watch the Timing: They appear with the precision of Swiss watches when they need something and disappear with the same precision when we need them.
Observe Coherence: Fine words without concrete actions are just a well-rehearsed script. Make sure your actions match your speech.
Beware of Emotional Neediness: Interested people love people who need approval. The less dependent you are, the less room there is for manipulation.
Value Authenticity, not Flattery: Those who flatter too much may be preparing the ground for a request. Prefer someone who compliments without ulterior motives.
Setting Clear Limits: The more we give in, the more we will be exploited. We must learn to say ‘no’ without guilt.
Notice the Pattern, Not the Episode: Everyone can fail occasionally, but if someone always disappears when there's no advantage involved, that's no coincidence.
Don't fall for Emotional Blackmail: Interested parties use guilt and victimisation to keep us in the position of constant givers. We shouldn't get carried away with sob stories when the pattern is already clear.
Detachment from the Need for Approval: The more we seek to be accepted by everyone, the more vulnerable we are to being used. Being selective means being with those who truly value our presence.
Preference for Balanced Relationships: If we always give more than we receive, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate this behaviour and consequently who is benefiting from it.
Virginia Wolf said: ‘Each of us faces an internal battle, and language is often insufficient to express our true intentions.’ So let's be attentive, especially to ourselves, because if people like this have approached us, it's because we've given them the opportunity. What we can really change in all of this is our way of thinking, feeling and acting.
The Symphony of Falsehood
This art of pretending to care may even be a skill refined by those who seek to manipulate the emotions and expectations of others for their own benefit. It's undeniable that identifying the self-interested requires an attentive and critical eye - especially on ourselves - in order to be able to see beyond the masks and carefully constructed illusions. We know that genuine relationships are not based on transactions, but on real, mutual connections. For as Socrates once said: ‘An unquestioned life is not worth living’. So let's question the intentions behind actions and look for sincerity between the lines of words.
After all, to be a ‘good person’ who helps and really cares about others doesn't mean - not in the slightest - that we have to be a fool! We only receive what we allow. What the other person does is about them, what we accept is about us. There is a difference between what the other person does and what we allow!
Here, too, is an extremely important note:
Don't penalise yourself for having nurtured a relationship with a self-interested person - regardless of how long it may have lasted. We don't have the power to change others or past situations, but we can change ourselves. With that in mind, let's not waste our precious time looking for justifications and/or explanations from these people. If you don't have the chance to walk away, perhaps you can choose to smile, nod and feign dementia - you don't owe anyone an explanation for your actions, except those you believe you do.
In the end, it's best to see this as an incentive to focus on what really matters: your life and your projects/dreams.
It's never too late to remember that ‘Happy people don't get bored’, so go after your own happiness and leave those people to their own devices.
‘He is a fool who misses the target and blames the bow instead of correcting his aim.’ - Sun Tzu.
Time for Action!
Have you ever found yourself performing on the stage of false concern? Or perhaps you've fallen victim to a master of the art of pretending to care? Leave a comment with your experiences and share this content with anyone who needs to open their eyes to the theatre of hypocrisy.
And if you want to explore even more behind the scenes of human relationships and have access to exclusive content, visit UN4RT, the backstage that doesn't wear masks.
Until next time and remember: in a world of self-interested people, the real rebel is the one who genuinely cares. But ssshiiii, don't spread the secret - after all, I have a reputation for cynicism to maintain!
‘Illusion crumbles when we question reality.’ - UN4RT
The sources, inspirations and references are there!
Personal experience: some were extremely painful because they came from people I really considered friends.
François de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims.
Konstantin Stanislavski was a Russian actor, director and theatre theorist who created the Stanislavski System, a revolutionary method of acting based on emotional truth and the psychological construction of characters. His work had a profound influence on modern theatre and cinema.
Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra and Beyond Good and Evil.
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex.
Narcissus, In Greek mythology, he was a young man of extreme beauty who despised those who fell in love with him. As punishment, the gods made him fall in love with his own image reflected in the water. Unable to move away from the water, he withered to death, and in the place of his body was born the flower that bears his name.
Homer, The Odyssey.
Labyrinth of Daedalus, a construction from Greek mythology, designed by the architect Daedalus at the behest of King Minos of Crete. It was created to imprison the Minotaur.
Franz Kafka, The Trial (published posthumously).
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Virginia Wolf, A Roof All Your Own.
Socrates, Apology of Socrates (written by Plato).
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
Comments