Ah, self-esteem! An abstract concept, but also so material. So much so that it's the cause of countless stumbles, mistakes and shame. We've all heard of it, but how many of us really know what it means? More importantly, how many of us know how to cultivate it?
So if you, like me, are one of those who have always seen this word only as a nice term, often used in photo captions and therapeutic conversations, but never as something practical, then let's go! Let's take a look at it from a different (and somewhat naughty) perspective.
What is self-esteem?
Let's start with the meaning of this word according to the dictionary: Self-esteem is the characteristic of a person who values themselves and is satisfied with their appearance. Let's say that self-esteem is like the value we place on ourselves, the way we see ourselves and the way we feel about ourselves. Many people confuse self-esteem with arrogance or egotism, when in fact good self-esteem means having a healthy sense of self-confidence and self-respect.
Just reading the definition of this word is reason enough for most of us to laugh our noses off. To this day I haven't met a woman who says she's satisfied with the way she looks. So I don't know about you, but I think this is far from what should be considered normal. I myself suffered for years from the unrealistic ‘demands’ of what my physical shape should be in order to be acceptable and/or attractive in my eyes and in the eyes of others. That thought alone is absurd to me today. But, unfortunately, this is still a reality: in the year 2025, after humanity created AI, physical appearance is still what generates the most comments (and the biggest gains).
You don't have to take my word for it. Look at the adverts, what elements are most present in them? Where are the greatest varieties of consumer goods (at all levels)? And on social media, everyone knows what influencers are, the ones with the most followers are the ones who influence what?
Just as there is a huge difference between thinking and having thoughts, the same "phenomenon" applies between seeing and observing. Sherlock Holmes used to say: "You see, but you don't observe. The difference is clear."
Perhaps our friend Epictetus would say: ‘It is not the things themselves that disturb us, but the opinions we have of them’. Which translates into english: it's not the fact that you tripped in front of the person you're in love with that's a problem, but the fact that you think it makes you the biggest idiot in the universe.
The beloved and misunderstood Nietzsche would amend this with a resounding "Become who you are". This phrase, which is as enigmatic as a poem by T. S. Eliot, reminds me that true freedom lies in accepting and cultivating your own uniqueness, no matter how contradictory and meaningless it may seem to others.
The many faces of self-esteem
The different lines of thought and their most diverse approaches "always boast" that they are the solution to problems related to self-esteem. In light of this and in order to satisfy our desire to know what others think, let's take a look at some of them. With all due respect, of course (or lack thereof).
Let's start with Stoicism. Founded by Zeno of Scythia, around 300 BC, in Athens. Stoic thought has been gaining more and more followers (and preachers) in recent years. If you've ever heard the phrase "so-and-so received the news (of something bad, tragic, etc.) in a stoic way", then you've understood the core of this philosophy, whose main representatives include Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius (yes, the Roman Emperor). Basically, Stoicism teaches the importance of self-control, virtue and reason in order to achieve true happiness.
When we talk about self-esteem within this philosophy, it's important to understand that the Stoics believed that true self-esteem is not in the least linked to social status, external opinions or anything that others might think, but rather to things like inner virtue and the ability to exercise control over one's own emotions and attitudes. There are those who say that controlling emotions is as impossible as the idea of controlling thoughts. To these people I say: It's completely possible, when there's a will and practice, lots of practice. (Tip: Start with the thoughts, that way you hit the target twice).
Existentialists, like Sartre, remind us that ‘existence precedes essence’. Simone de Beauvoir, a forerunner of thinking outside the box, challenged society with her statement: "One is not born a woman: one becomes a woman.". In a context of self-esteem, this idea is transformed into: "You are not born perfect: you become unique.". It's a kind of invitation to embrace our imperfections.
Albert Camus, with his famous "In the middle of winter, I discovered in myself an invincible summer", offers us a powerful metaphor: even in the darkest moments, there is a spark of inner strength capable of pushing us to bloom, like a rose that stubbornly blooms in the middle of a barren, grey asphalt.
Clarice Lispector is the owner of a profound and incredible phrase: ‘I am stronger than I am’. (repeat this phrase to yourself and observe what you think and feel).
Marcus Aurelius would approve of the phrase above. In his work ‘Meditations’, he teaches us to treat ourselves with kindness and patience, recognising that we are human beings with flaws and mistakes. Instead of blaming ourselves, we should learn from our experiences and always seek to improve. This practice of self-compassion is essential for building healthy self-esteem, as it allows us to accept our flaws without losing confidence in our ability to evolve.
Last but not least is the scientific view. Scientists and psychologists have been focussing on this topic for decades, perhaps because they themselves are desperate to understand why they feel so insecure despite all those diplomas on the wall. Studies show that self-esteem is linked to several areas of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala (not the one in the throat! don't confuse it). In other words, your self-esteem is the result of a complex neurological dance taking place inside your skull. It's almost poetic, isn't it? Your brain is literally juggling your self-image while you're trying to decide whether you have the courage to wear that pink demon-print shirt to the family reunion (Note: yes, I did).
Now, let's talk about some of the more well-known approaches as well as some theories. Don't be surprised, for some I've given them more appropriate names - at least in my view.
The Magic Mirror Approach: This is the one that suggests you look in the mirror every day and say positive affirmations. It's as if you were Snow White and the mirror were that sycophant who always tells you that you're the most beautiful in the kingdom. Effective? Maybe, for some people (especially Leo women. Just kidding!). In my case, every time I repeated a phrase, my brain replied "don't lie to me, I'm not a fool!".
"The Method" of the Inner Superhero: Based on the idea that we all have an inner superhero (look at C.G. Jung with his archetypes) just waiting to be discovered. Let's say it's as if you were the Diana Prince of your own life, just waiting for the right moment to go out and reveal the Wonder Woman inside you. Just be careful not to "save" everyone and forget the most important thing, yourself (from personal experience).
"Fuck it" style (I still use that one): A more modern and, let's say, direct approach. It consists of simply not giving a damn what other people think - it's liberating. As the contemporary ‘philosopher’ RuPaul would say: "What other people think of me is none of my business", marvellous. It's like being a cat in human form (I love it).
The "Asking Child" Tool (I adapted this and still use it): The Information Approach. These are the "antonym" of affirmations: you don't affirm, you ask. An example of this would be: "Why do I deserve to be loved by myself?". The idea is that you "force" your brain to give you the answers to these questions. You get the idea, right?
The Pyramid Idea (not the Illuminati idea, don't confuse it): We know that Psychology offers various approaches to understanding self-esteem. One of the best known is that of Abraham Maslow, who places it as part of his famous pyramid of needs. For Maslow, self-esteem is at the top of the pyramid, being a fundamental need for human well-being, right after the satisfaction of physiological, safety and social needs.
The Copy and Paste Theory: According to this theory, self-esteem is influenced by the society and culture in which a person lives. The beauty standards, successes and achievements of others can affect how we see ourselves. An example of this would be those who constantly compare themselves to celebrities and influencers on social media. This behaviour can lead to a completely distorted and negative view of one's own appearance and also aggravates anxiety (don't tell me!).
Self-esteem in relationships: It's undeniable that our self-esteem is deeply linked to the way we relate to others. People with good self-esteem tend to have healthier relationships, because they know how to set limits and have more self-confidence to express their needs. It is also because of this that some people come to accept disrespectful behaviour from their partners. Their low self-esteem contributes to the idea that they don't deserve better.
The role of childhood: You don't need to be an expert to know that childhood is a crucial phase in the development of self-esteem. Children who grow up in nurturing environments and with parents who encourage them to believe in themselves tend to have a more positive and healthy self-esteem in adulthood.
Grey matter: Research shows that self-esteem is also related to brain activity. People with higher self-esteem have greater activation in areas of the brain related to decision-making and self-confidence. Neuroscience studies show that when making important decisions, a person with good self-esteem can feel a greater sense of control and less stress.
How to solve the problem of low self-esteem (or at least try)
Now for the practical tips. No, it's not just about colouring your hair or buying new clothes (I can tell you that). In fact, you should know that these tips aren't meant to be done one day and then only when your brain remembers them. This is like starting a diet or going to the gym. It requires discipline, persistence and, above all, action!
1° Practise Self-knowledge: Set aside time for yourself every day, no matter how much. This is like friendships: what counts is quality, not quantity! Do something you enjoy, the important thing is that it's something for and by you. A good example would be doing something you've always wanted to do but never had the time, and/or starting that project that's been sitting in your drawer for so long. Mark that appointment in your diary, don't miss it and don't be late! Read the article on Self-Knowledge here.
2° Re-evaluate your Priorities: Question the standards imposed by society. What really matters to you? Is what you're replicating really yours or just something someone told you would be good for you? If you ever hear a guru say that the secret is to "think positive", remember that positivity is no substitute for an honest analysis of your feelings.
3° Practise Self-Compassion and Self-Care: Self-compassion means being kind to yourself, especially in moments of failure! This involves letting go of excessive (and not at all constructive) criticism and accepting yourself in a more understanding way. This leads directly to taking care of yourself, whether through eating healthier, exercising, reading more books, meditating or simply allowing yourself to rest.
4° Challenge your Limiting Beliefs: The vast majority of the time we carry negative beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs are not based on facts. Challenging them and replacing them with more coherent thoughts can have a big impact on self-esteem. Read the article on Limiting Beliefs here.
5° Set Realistic Goals: Stop setting absurd goals that you know you won't achieve in the short term. By setting clearer, more tangible goals, you'll be able to measure your progress and make adjustments if necessary, all in a more efficient way and without the mimimi and unreasonable demands.
6° Laugh at Yourself: Life is a comedy full of comic tragedies. Get real and allow yourself to laugh at your faults, after all, you're not the "golden rosemary" who lives oblivious to the laws of the universe. Seriously! All of these practices, if seasoned with a touch of irony and a pinch of sarcasm, can lead you to that feeling - so good - of liberation.
7° Surround yourself with people who inspire you: Your social circle influences your self-esteem much more than you might think. We're an average of the people we're closest to, so evaluate very carefully who you let be part of ‘this zone’. Avoid having people on your side who see the world through a yellow lens of criticism and negativity. Above all, try to stay away from people who only complain. Complaints are declarations of love for problems and being around people who support, respect and encourage you is fundamental. Very importantly, don't confuse those who encourage you with those who flatter you. The door to the street should be the door to the house for flattery too!
8° Celebrate Small Achievements: Every victory, however small in your eyes, is a brick in the construction of your internal castle and in this castle you are the Queen, so only those you allow into your Kingdom enter! Don't forget to recognise the value of every step you take!
If you take these tips into account, it doesn't mean that your path will be linear, without obstacles or occasional stumbles. But it will certainly be uphill, growing exponentially!
Now, La grande finale
But after all this philosophical rambling and dubious humour, here's my conclusion about self-esteem: it's confusing, complicated and absolutely essential. It's like oxygen for our mental health - we only realise how much we need it when we run out.
Developing self-esteem is a continuous process, full of ups and downs. A perfect emotional rollercoaster that we don't remember buying a ticket for. But hey, as long as we're on the ride, why not enjoy it?
Regardless of the approach you choose to take to the plant of your self-esteem, know that this attitude is extremely important. Although some (or many) of us didn't learn how to do this in our childhood or adolescence, it shouldn't become something immutable. Don't let something important become urgent! Everything in life starts with cognition (learning), so try to do it for yourself. We are beings who learn through repetition, so don't get discouraged.
Maturing shows that often we won't have anyone to take us by the hand and show us the exact path, so it's up to us to take on that responsibility. For and by Us, always!
You are unique. Literally speaking, there isn't and won't be anyone like you again in this universe. This can be either a blessing or a curse, it all depends on how you look at it. But one thing is certain: you are the protagonist of your own story - and if you're not, you should be! So make it a story worth telling!
Call to Action (because every good article needs one)
So, readers, what did you think of this journey through the land of self-esteem? Are you already feeling more enlightened or just slightly confused?
Either way, don't stop here! Keep exploring the intricacies of your mind in our other equally irreverent and possibly exotic articles. If you have an opinion on Self-Esteem and think I'm completely wrong (or have been surprisingly accurate), leave a comment! After all, interacting with strangers on the internet is what makes us human in the 21st century, isn't it?
And if you liked this article, why not share it with others? Spread the word like a self-esteem virus (but, you know, the good kind of virus - if there is one). Oh, before I forget, for those of you who really love content that goes beyond the conventional, take a look at the UN4RT website. It's like the backstage of a heavy metal concert - only for your brain. Exclusive content that will make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself (in a good way, I promise).
‘If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?’ - RuPaul.
What are you waiting for? Go develop that self-esteem! Or at least pretend you're trying. Sometimes faking it until you make it is half the battle.
‘Illusion crumbles when we question reality.’ - UN4RT
Now, if you're the type who likes to get into things. Below are the sources, references and inspirations for this article. Go on, read it. But then don't come back if your head gets any fuller.
Sherlock Holmes, a detective and consultant famous for his exceptional intelligence, logical deduction skills and encyclopaedic knowledge in various fields. This character was created by British writer Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Holmes first appeared in the 1887 novel "A Study in Red."
Epictetus, The Art of Living.
Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra.
T. S. Elliot, influential 20th century poet, essayist and playwright. Laureate of the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1948. One of his most emblematic poems is "The Waste Land", which deals with despair, fragmentation and disillusionment in post-First World War society.
Stoicism, one of the most important philosophical schools in Ancient Greece. It seeks to teach people to live according to reason and nature, with a focus on developing a virtuous character, self-reliance and resilience in the face of life's difficulties.
Zeno of Scythia, Greek philosopher and founder of Stoicism. He was born in Scythia, a city in what is now present-day Cyprus. It is said that after being shipwrecked and losing his fortune, he began studying philosophy in Athens as a form of consolation and to overcome his difficulties.
Seneca, On the Shortness of Life and On the Steadfastness of the Wise.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex.
Albert Camus, the exact origin of the quote is not associated with a specific work, but it reflects well the spirit of resilience.
Clarice Lispector, An Apprenticeship or The Book of Pleasures.
Snow White, a princess of incomparable beauty, the target of extreme envy from her stepmother. Character from a fairy tale popularised by the Brothers Grimm (Schneewittchen), but eternalised in pop culture as Disney's first feature film.
Carl Gustav Jung, Man and his Symbols.
Diana Prince, Amazon princess of the mystical island of Themyscira, daughter of Queen Hippolyta. This name is the secret identity of Wonder Woman, one of DC Comics' most iconic superheroines. Created by William Moulton Marston and drawn by H.G. Peter, she first appeared in "All-Star Comics #8’" in 1941.
RuPaul Andre Charles, American singer, actor, drag queen and presenter, considered the most famous drag queen in the world. Creator and presenter of the reality TV show RuPaul's Drag Race, launched in 2009.
Order of the Illuminati of Bavaria, a secret society founded in 1776. It was a group whose aim was to promote enlightenment, thus combating the influence of the Church and the State in society. The order was officially banned and dissolved in 1785 by the Bavarian government. But over the centuries theories have emerged claiming that the order still exists and operates in secret, controlling governments, the economy and even pop culture. The theories place them as part of a ‘new world order’ that manipulates global events in order to maintain power over society.
Abraham Maslow, a US psychologist known for developing the Theory of the Hierarchy of Needs or Maslow's Pyramid, which is one of the most influential concepts in psychology. Maslow was part of humanistic psychology, which has an approach that emphasises personal growth. I recommend his book: "Towards a Psychology of Being".
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